tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2565409932286419509.post2466724099669707216..comments2007-12-18T07:46:42.992-06:00Comments on Slave, Free Thyself: As Promised...Chapter One of Healing ChironDead Man Walkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111398578609496658noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2565409932286419509.post-42713074118426819972007-08-18T08:10:00.000-05:002007-08-18T08:10:00.000-05:00Dwight,Thanks for the feedback! I started posting...Dwight,<BR/>Thanks for the feedback! I started posting a comment to make sure I understood you correctly, but after posting it, realized I'd rather email you offline instead of clogging up my comments section. Can you shoot me an email at rwam at charter dot net?<BR/>RobDead Man Walkinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04111398578609496658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2565409932286419509.post-85513302162116338112007-08-17T13:43:00.000-05:002007-08-17T13:43:00.000-05:00When my twelve-year-old daughter addresses me by n...<I>When my twelve-year-old daughter addresses me by name,</I> <B>What? There should be a consequence that follows. As it stands, this is a nonsequitor to the next sentence. Please reread aloud. Finish this thought and start next sentence with capital.</B> <I> she only uses this sleepy moniker when she feels the need to regress into the little girl she once was, is still embarrassed by, and yet secretly longs to be again.</I><BR/><BR/>This is pretty tight prose, Rob. Aside from the above brain-trip sentence, it's hard to fault for either style or mechanics.<BR/><BR/>Along the bigger theme, it works against you to start so downbeat when you are establishing the tone of the story. When your reader cracks the binding in Borders and reads the first page, you already have skill building the character voice that will hook them. You might want to angle for humor and empathy before plunging the reader into depression and tragedy. You can save that for chapter two after you've already banked their $24.99.<BR/><BR/>Also, there's an agent bias against starting novels with a dream sequence because (says Kristin Nelson on her blog) a dream sequence means the character is going to wake up and then putter around the house anti-climatically.<BR/><BR/>You don't have the dream sequence, but you're starting out with the puttering just the same.<BR/><BR/>Don't get me wrong. It's a sweet scene. It's very well written.<BR/><BR/>But I'm just an unpublished wannabe, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.Dwight's Writing Manifestohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11583719276706757556noreply@blogger.com